Douwe Beckmann (47) from Eindhoven has cancer. A year ago, it became clear that he was terminally ill. What do you say to your children? Douwe thought that a book should be written to help parents with this. ‘We have to tell you something’ will be published on Monday.
The prospects are not very impressive on paper. That is a shock you must deal with,” says Douwe. The project to write a book has given him a purpose. “Looking back on the past few years, I see it as a survival journey”.
Research
Three years ago he was told that he had colon cancer. “During the examination in the hospital, it was immediately clear that something was wrong.” Nevertheless, it seemed to be treatable with an operation. “But a year later, it reoccurred, now in my liver.” After several major operations and chemotherapy treatments, he received the terrible news last November. “I was identified as ‘terminally ill’. “I have only maintenance chemotherapy now,” he says.
Douwe and his wife Mirjam have four children. “You can discuss it with the three older as they are 21, 19 and 15. We told them straight away. These are not the nicest conversations to have. You want to spare them this.”
Telling
The youngest, an eight-year-old, also had to be told, but they did not know how. “How do you tell a young child that you are terminally ill and, on paper, cannot see far into the future,” Douwe wonders. In consultation with the hospital and the school, it was decided to do it with a reading book. “That was not a nice day. Joep knew very well that something was coming.” Only that book was not about cancer but about the muscle disease ALS. “After reading, we had to explain a lot to Joep. At that moment, he was doing quite well physically. The book didn’t fit my situation.”
During a sleepless night in March, Douwe had an inspiration. “What if you did have a book that fit your situation? We had a book written. My wife and I rewrote it so that it was exactly as we had envisioned it. The goal is to help parents tell their child that one of the parents has cancer.”
The many drawings were all made by Douwe himself. In the book, a parent tells that he or she has cancer. It also discusses the prospects. “You can choose from four scenarios. It varies from a parent with good prospects after treatment. To a parent who is terminally ill and will die in the foreseeable future.” The latter variant refers to Douwe himself. Halfway through the book, the father dies, and it is described how the son continues to live with the mother. The boy thinks of his father. “It was really hard while writing. Still, I liked having it included.”
Tips
Douwe gives tips in the book. “You have to name the word ‘cancer’. That’s difficult for people, but you have to do it yourself. Otherwise, they hear it in the schoolyard or see it on television.” He also explains how you can make it easier for a child to tell or ask something. “You can make a treasure chest together where a child can throw in a drawing or a note. That way, they don’t have to tell a parent something right away. It worked right away with my son.”
Douwe got a team around him that helped with the book free of charge. A sponsorship campaign also raised more than eleven thousand euros. Other families have proofread the book and given feedback. He hasn’t read the book with Joep yet. “He was involved in the drawing, but we haven’t read my version in which the parent dies together yet. We think he has enough on his plate already.”
Douwe is not concerned with ‘leaving something behind’, a legacy, but it would be nice if he could do something for others with this. “We hope to be able to help other parents in the same situation.”
Source: Studio040
Translate: Ayşenur Kuran
